Sitting here wishing for the thousandth time that blogging was my job. Would be kind of ideal. It's Thursday morning and I'm feeling rather odd. My boyfriend went on holiday last night and although it's only until Sunday and we've gone longer amounts of time without seeing each other, we've never been so far apart. It's a strange feeling and I don't like it.
On a happier note, this time next week I'll be in sunny Spain with the girls visiting our gorgeous Kerri. I can't wait to lay on the beach and not have a worry in the world. I'm in my happiest physical state on holiday. Relaxed, tanned, ridden with freckles and loving the effect the beach naturally has on my hair. It sucks how miserable my life has become since I started full time work. I did a post a while back saying how I never had time for 'me' and I really feel as though nothing has yet changed and won't for quite possibly a long time to come. It also sucks that I have to be miserable in order to earn money to do things that make me happy. Vicious circle of wretchedness.
The serene poppy field in early stages of life, dancing under the light of the morning sun, that I'd somehow never noticed before while on the train to work this morning.
I love the little things in life.
“The best relationship is when you two can act like lovers and best friends. It’s when you have more playful moments than serious moments. It’s when you can joke around, have unexpected hugs, and random kisses. It’s when you two give each other that specific stare and just smile. It’s when you’ll rather chill inside to watch movies, eat junk food and cuddle than go out all the time. It’s when you’ll stay up all night just to settle your arguments and problems. It’s when you can completely act yourself and they can still love you for who you are.”
It's raining today in London. I don't actually mind the rain. You know when you're all tucked up inside, and just listen to the rain drops as they hit your window panes and slowly trickle down them? I love that. Rain is not ideal when you have to be out in it but if I'm able to be snuggled down in bed, appreciating it for what it actually is as opposed to it's annoyance; I like rain.
‘You’re beautiful, the guy who did you wrong, who left you, ignored you, didn’t recognise your feelings, made you cry, ruined months of days. He didn’t deserve you. You deserve better. You deserve a guy who can understand you, be there for you, be the shoulder when you need someone, look at you straight in the eye, and honestly tell you how much you mean to him. You need a guy who ignores everything else and pays attention to you. A guy who makes you feel special in every way. A guy who treats you like the world. A guy who accepts you, a guy who can look straight through you and loves the view. A guy who accepts your flaws and cherishes them. A guy who goes past your looks, and stares at your heart, without having to take off your top. A guy who can understand your every word, love your every smile, and loves you for what you are, instead of what you’re not. A guy who doesn’t care how popular, or not popular you are. A guy who puts you as the first and only option. A guy who only wants you and no one else. A guy who would chase after you, even when you let go. A guy who would make a fool out of himself just to see that smile on your face. A guy who would miss you, even when you’re right in front of him. A guy who tells you you’re beautiful, even when you deny it. You deserve this.’
I find that quite possibly THE best way of cheering me up is reassurance. You know when you feel crap, unwanted, not good enough, insignificant? Going to your family or friends is pretty much the best way of bringing you up again. Now I haven't felt down in a long time, I've actually been extremely happy which is slightly daunting and makes me a little worried that something bad has got to come along some time soon. But when it does, I have this list of words which in my friends opinions, best describe me. Reading through them makes me feel needed and appreciated again. I love my friends.
“For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.”
'People don't realise what they have because they don't appreciate it whilst it's there. The reason why people realise what they have after they lose it is not because they miss it, but because they realise that they can't find it anywhere else. Any man can get a great woman... only a real man can keep her.'
'If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Surely you've heard this advice before, Pisces. But have you ever explored the other side of that coin? You have recently experienced uplifting thoughts about someone you like. These thoughts have given you a wonderful feeling. You appreciate this person tremendously, and you're grateful for his or her role in your life. At times, you may even feel the tears of happiness well up when you think about how much this individual means to you. So, if you have something nice to say, by all means say it!'
It's definitely been a while since I've busted either a big rant or the like on here. Truth is, I'm ridiculously happy lately, I have no need to moan. Also, going through one of my mind block phases. I could go into detail and tell you why I'm so happy but I know people I don't know read this blog and it's stuff I'd rather not share with them, no offence. But on that topic, I'd like to thank my most loyal reader, Rosie Dutton, you're a babe. And further still, thankyou to her friends who read this! Kinda weird but amazing to me that people I don't even know of tell Rosie to tell me how much they enjoy my blog. Thankyou so much.
You make me feel amazing.
You make me feel like I could accomplish anything.
You make me happy about myself.
You make me relaxed.
You make me feel beautiful.
You catch me when I fall.
You pick up the pieces when I break.
You ask for nothing in return.
You make me feel amazing.
Young girl don’t cry
I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl it’s alright
Your tears will dry, you’ll soon be free to fly
When you’re safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing’s harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means
When there’s no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way
You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within
Young girl don’t hide
You’ll never change if you just run away
Young girl just hold tight
Soon you’re gonna see your brighter day
Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It’s so hard to stand your ground when you’re so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you look outside look inside to your soul
I remember how much this song used to speak to me.
The first thing you'll realise when entering my house (if youre observant) is the mass amount of lamps, candles, clocks and photoframes. My mum has a serious obsession in buying the above and in my opinion, my house would lack greatly without them. I'm a big time traditional girl and although I don't mind modern interiors, I believe a house should be homely and cosy. I can certainly say that when I have my own house, it's going to have a lot of lamps, candles, clocks and photoframes.
"You know what? Yes I have changed. I'm not as nice as I used to be, because I don't want to be walked over; I don't trust everyone and tell them my secrets because behind every fake smile is a backstabbing person. I distance myself from people, because in the end, theyre only going to leave. I have changed because I have realised I am the only person I can depend on."
'I love vacations. Vacations allow you to take a break not just from work, but from your life, even for just a few days. We all need vacations from the lives we lead—from work, from the people around us, the things we have to confront, the routine, the culture—to allow us to renew our spirits and remember who we are at heart. Vacations allow us to rekindle our passions and remember our raison d’etre by allowing us opportunities to step out of our shoes so we can see ourselves from the outside looking in. That’s a pretty good perspective—outside looking in—it’s a great exercise in self awareness. It’s a good way to “miss” or long for what is worth missing in one’s life.'
Things we all do.
I still bite the life out of my straws.
I never know what I should do when people are singing 'Happy Birthday' to me.
Catching something mid air and feeling like a ninja.
Hearing your voice on video and asking yourself if that's how you really sound.
When I'm sleeping at a friends house and I wake up before them, I sit there staring at the ceiling for an hour.
When it gets awkward at someones house, I stroke their dog.
I hate wasting a cute outfit on what I think is going to be a good night.
The awkward eye contact at red lights with people in the car next to you.
When someone takes the piece of food that you have mentally claimed.
I wish music played during epic moments in my life.
I still struggle to open a bag even though it says 'tear here'.
Why do you continue to text me after I ignored the other 10 messages?
Sometimes when I'm walking, I try to keep my feet in the little square tiles.
Responding to texts while half asleep then realising you make no sense.
I hate when I'm drinking and the ice just attacks my face.
I love running up and down hotel hallways.
Everyones texts me when I'm busy yet no one texts me when I'm bored.
I text so much faster when I'm fighting with someone.
Things magically appear when my mum looks for them.
Wondering if you are in the background of anyones photo somewhere.
I hate when I drive onto my driveway and my favourite song comes on.
I save song titles as drafts on my phone so I can remember to download them later.
When I'm in the shower, I slant my arm in a way to look like water is coming out of my fingers.
I hate the little triangles on my windscreen that the wipers can't reach.
I accept the 'terms and conditions' without reading them.
The weirdest thing is seeing someone in person after seeing them on Facebook a million times.
I used to harass 'Smarterchild' when I got bored.
I text someone in the same room as me and stare at them until they get it.
I hate when people don't know the difference between there, they're and their.
Meowing at cats until they meow back.
I go crazy when there's someone in front of me walking slow.
I have to sing my ABC's to know which letter comes next in the alphabet.
When I was little, the only reason I went on the computer was to use paint.
I casually sit in my towel for ages after a shower.
Push down hard on the batteries in a remote control even though they've run out and it miraculously works.
I miss my old best guyfriend. It sucks how he got a girlfriend and pretty much forgot about me. He's actually the only guy who know's me inside out, from my thoughts, to sexual desires, to regrets. I miss him bad. I'm not keen on his new girlfriend. I know that just sounds like jealousy and it probably is a little seeing as she stole my friends attention, but, she's weird. In my opinion, she tries too hard to be different. I dislike her and wished she'd never come along.
Ok, so I sound real selfish. He's happy. Probably the happiest I've ever known him and I guess for that, I should be happy. But I'm not. I miss him and want his company back.
You know that horrible feeling when you see something you wish you hadn't? The worst part is, I kinda bought it upon myself. I now feel shit and worthless. I want to curl up under my covers and be away from everything just because of that one thing. Weird that isn't it? How one little thing can alter your whole mood and question yourself. I'm fed up. I need some excitement in my life. Like that kind of excitement when you kiss the guy you like for the first time. The crazy flurry of butterflies dancing to the beat of your heart. I want to feel that excitement. Right now. Something to make me feel worth while. This quote usually makes me feel optimistic but seeing as it's of no relevance to my current situation, it's lacking somewhat...
'I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.'
- I had an awesome dream last night which involved a very beautiful guy.
- Kelly Brook is a girl crush of mine. I want her figure.
- A fry up would go down a treat right now.
- I wish it was Friday so I could go to bed tonight knowing I didn't have to get up tomorrow.
- I'm bored of London.
- There's a load of hot guys around lately, where have you all come from?
- I miss my best guy mate who got a girlfriend and no longer seems to have the time for me.
- I need to book a holiday so I have some sun to look forward to.
- Not understanding why everyone seems to be having babies these days.
- I want to go on more road trips. Who can I come stay with?
- I like making lists.
I was fine when you said that Harry's parents were dead. Fine, when you killed Sirius. Ok, when you killed Hedwig and Mad-Eye. A little mad when you killed Dumbledore, but you crossed the line by killing Dobby.
Guys really don’t have a clue when it comes to romance. I mean, come on, I’d say 99% of women are hopeless romantics. We rave about romcom’s and how dreamily fantastic the guys are in them so take a leaf out of their books and step up. Yesterday made me realise, more than ever, that most guys genuinely do stick to what they THINK a girl wants on Valentines. Flowers, chocolates, a card… No actually. Well, not me anyway. Sure, I love those things but I crave spontaneity. Something that makes you stand out from the rest, something unique and something that shows real thought and emotion behind it. Anyone can send flowers. Anyone can buy chocolates and a card. Some guys need to think outside the box. Personally, stereotypical Valentines presents just don’t cut it anymore.
A pretty trying weekend for me that’s for sure. A load of drama flying left right and centre. Weekends like the one just gone remind me how much I really appreciate my mum and dad. They keep my chin up when I feel as though nothing could bring me out of my coma of depression. But hey, weekend over and it’s another Monday. Hoping this week shall fly by as I’m going to Bournemouth on Friday and couldn’t be happier at the thought of getting away for a couple of days. Three more early mornings and I’m away.
p.s I’m in one of those ‘lacking inspiration’ phases. Apologies.
My life really is one big emotional rollercoaster. I'm such an emotional person it's ridiculous. One second I can be crazily depressed and wanting to cry and within minutes, I can be the happiest, smiliest girl you'll ever see. It's strange because some of the littlest things can affect my mood but then something equally as insignificant but within a different topic flies through my head without a seconds consideration. I confuse myself. Doh.
I’ve decided that not enough exciting things happen in my life. I’m always either at work or sleeping off work. I feel as though I never get the chance to go out and do ‘me’. There are so many things I want to do yet I’m never able to do them. No one looks back on their lives and remembers the night’s they got plenty of sleep. Unfortunately, I’m a massive sleeper. I crave recuperation regularly. I sit at my desk with all these big idea’s of things I’m going to do and plans for that evening, but the second I’ve had dinner and my lard arse hits the sofa, that’s it. All those plans fly out of the window, the tiredness kicks in and bed seems like the best idea. I try to fight through the negativity and tell myself ‘you only live once’ but when those plans are nothing out of the ordinary and lack spontaneity, my head replies, ‘they can wait’. Weekends fly by and I never get to accomplish everything that I wanted to. I need more time. Someone give me time.
It's absolutely maaad to me that January is almost over already. It's not been the best of months but far from the worst. February will be a pretty enjoyable month. Girls, feel free to get me this young specimen or the like for my birthday.
It's all about eating the mash potato off the masher. One of those weird childhood habits of mine and yesterday was no exception. Mum gets all agitated that I'm more interested in eating the mash potato off the masher than the mash potato on my plate. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.
Now it’d be bad of me not to have a moan on a Monday morning wouldn’t it? I have nothing against smokers – it’s their choice. But when you’re feeling really tired and a little unwell on a Monday morning, to have someone standing next to you who has probably been up an hour and smoked 10 cigarettes already is rather nauseating. I don’t mind the smell of cigarettes at all but it’s that smell on someone who evidently doesn’t stop smoking, that stale kind of smell that really makes me feel quite ill. To top it off, there was a picture of a clown in my Metro newspaper this morning. I fucking hate clowns.
'You are someone who sympathizes with others to such a degree that you actually feel their pain. You are compassionate and empathic. Those are wonderful, noble qualities. However, sometimes your great affinity for the suffering for others actually blocks your power to help yourself. Deep down, when you want something for yourself, you subconsciously think about all the people in the world who don't have as much as you and are grateful for the smallest things. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't aspire to more. You deserve something wonderful, Pisces, and you are about to get it. Know that you are worthy.'
Why do I do it to myself? I say this every Thursday morning after a Wednesday night out and yet I still put myself through the pain. Sure, the nights are probably worthy of a little tiredness, but a full day at work on four and a half hours sleep is just plain torture. Unnecessary torture. The only thing keeping me going is that there’s only one more early morning until the weekend and before I can spend a Friday night in my pyjamas, watching tv, ordering a takeaway, knowing I havent got to be up at 6am. During the week I don’t get to see Chelmsford in the light. Not once. I leave in the dark and come home in the dark, it’s kinda strange. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t see it much in the light on a weekend due to sleeping off my lack of sleep from during the week and messy nights out on a Friday and Saturday. I know they say, ‘Oh youre young, your body can handle it’ – mine really can’t.
I’m getting too old for this.
What makes me laugh the most is when people who literally don't even know you, dislike you/slate you/look at you as if you've just slept with their husband of 25 years right in front of them. Ever since I can remember I've been disliked for being loud and confident. People seem to frown upon it and immediately assume I'm some kind of bitch. Don't get me wrong, I can be the biggest bitch, as we all can, but I always give people a chance because I know what it's like to be instantly dismissed. If people actually took the time to get to know me, they'd see that I'm actually a really nice person (until given reason to be otherwise).
Sometimes I feel like a bit of a freak because going to bed is honestly my favorite time. I get to escape all the crap I dealt with during the day. I get to be alone in this private, warm bed of mine and drift off so I can dream whatever the hell it is that I dream. I don’t even care if it’s a nightmare because it’s not real, so nothing in it could possibly be as bad as the crazy fucker called reality.
Summer is my season. I really can't wait to bust out my summer attire, go for picnics over Hylands Park, wash my own car instead of having it washed, rock some messy beach hair and drink mojito's while my dad cooks up a mean barbeque.
I thought the weather was gradually getting warmer but apparently not. Everyone looks crappy in the winter months. I personally think everyone looks better with sunkissed skin and a few freckles and can't wait until mine show themselves. The picture reminds me of my brown Ray Ban's that I lost at Brownstock Festival last summer. Gutted, absolutely gutted. However, I guess it was well worth it considering I had a pretty awesome weekend but they will definitely be my first purchase of this summer. I've always said how I'm all about the little things and I find myself smiling thinking about waking up late on a Saturday morning, window wide open and the hot sun beaming through the gap in my curtains. It's also so much easier to get up for work in the summer months and I find myself actually wanting to go to work some days just so I can spend my lunch hour in the pretty little church garden round the back of my office with a starbucks.
So I know I've been fairly crap with posting lately but I've been pretty busy. Normally I come on here to moan about things and lately, I don't have much to moan about which is obviously a good thing. I go through these random phases where I have a complete blank of things to talk about so for that, I apologise. I'm sure it won't be long before my ramblings return. P.s. you make me feel beautiful.