Friday, 24 December 2010

Christmas time is family time.

It's Christmas eve and I have no desire whatsoever to go out. I'm a family orientated girl and I believe Christmas is a time to be spent with family. I can go out any day of the week with friends and get drunk but it's not every night I can be with my family, enjoying a takeaway and watching movies.

Thursday, 23 December 2010

It was in love I was created and in love is how I hope I die.

'We’re all walking around with these glossy eyes. “I’m just tired,” we say. But you know what? It’s bullshit. Yes, we are tired, but it’s not all from lack of sleep. We are tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to, tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things we find no enjoyment in doing. We’re tired of this void, this emptiness that looms over us even though our days are packed. We’re tired of the loneliness that presses down on us even though we’re surrounded by dozens of people. So why can’t we just say it? Humans are so afraid to look into each other’s eyes and say “I am unhappy, I am broken, I am hopeless and fallible.” We’ve been conditioned to associate pain with weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt but to be feared. Well, I say screw all of that. Screw forced smiles and polite handshakes and I’m fine, thank yous. Screw the fear of crying in a public place, screw the fake chipper voice, screw the lies we spit to cover up our problems. We are humans. We are meant to feel. To feel everything and to feel it all openly. We are not metal – we are flesh and bone. Our boiled blood courses through our cold, clammy hands. We are intricate and beautiful and we should never hide our human parts, because if we do, then what’s left to show?'
I hate how I’m always trying to make everyone happy. I love being there for people, listening to their problems and trying to help them get resolved but it’s getting to the point where it’s starting to drag me down with them and quite frankly, it sucks. I have my own problems to deal with and I'm getting in way over my head right now.

Because I buzz off Jersey Shore.

And I can't remember the last time I was this excited for something.

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Emma-Lou Lacey Schofield. Harriet-Rose Munday. Lindsey Catherine Skidmore. Rebecca Jane Young. Shannen Michelle Ledwith. Sophie Louise Bonner. Emily Clare Cronin. Rosalind Ann Shimmen. Laura Anne Croney.

The girls that I know have my back or a shoulder to cry on.
I want to say thankyou.

You hold me without touch.

Alot of people will remember Sara Bareilles for her song, 'Love Song' and will never have heard any of her other songs. This song, 'Gravity' is probably one of the most moving songs I've ever heard. There was a time where I could really relate to this and it holds some special memories for me. Some crazily powerful lyrics sung by a truly beautiful voice.

But my mind has fucked me over more times than any man could ever know.

Almost everything I ever think about or talk about is random and strange and incomprehensible. No one can understand what I ramble on and on about but that’s okay. Because I write and I act and I live not for others but for myself. I have the privilege of owning myself like everyone else, but I get detached and question, every single day, who the fuck I am. I still have no clue.
I will never get along with shy people. I scare them and they scare me.

I'm the first to admit that I'm still pretty young.

I constantly feel like I’m missing out on everything. Like everything is happening somewhere else. Like I’m not living life to the fullest. The problem is that I never do anything to change it. I just sit here and write about it. I sit here and write while somewhere over the rainbow amazing things are happening. Amazing things that I’m missing out on. I need to change now because before I know it this will all be over. These teenage years only last so long. I’m going to live for a little while and then I will die. I might as well make the best of it while I can. It is my life after all. I am the one who moves my feet and when I’m ready to change I will. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t wait until I’m ready. I don’t think I’m ever going to be ready to change. I doubt anyone really is. The time is now. If it’s a sign I’ve been waiting for, here it is. Everything will turn out okay, I just know it.

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

I love pictures...

...because the best thing about them is that, they never change.
Even when the people in them do.

Sod the snow...

I want to be on a hot beach shaking my tail feather to this little beauty.
Do you ever feel like someone never really gave you a chance? A chance to show the person you are? A chance to prove your intelligence, your humour, your consideration?

I feel like it often.

It's not about what you do. It's about who you are. It's not about who you are right now. It's about who you could be. It's not about what could go wrong. It's about what will go right. It's not about listening. It's about getting up and dancing.

Monday, 20 December 2010


In an ideal world…

-          He would have a sleeve.
-          He would have hair, short on the sides, longer on the top
-          He would play a guitar
-          He would be able to skateboard
-          He would enjoy literature
-          He would like the same music as me
-          He would wear hi top’s
-          He would buy a house with me in Camden
-          He would take me to gigs, not dinner.
-          He would exist.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

I really, really don’t understand some girls attraction to guys that ‘molly coddle’ them. Ok so it’s a little harsh on guys because most believe girls like to be ‘treated like a princess’ but quite frankly I don’t. Well I’m not sure if it’s whether I don’t want to or because I’m simply not used to it and therefore, don’t like it. I’m a girl who loves her space and so I like to be treated with such. Us girls are always moaning about the ‘games’ guys play but to be honest, we play them just as bad. Truth is, I’ve been screwed over many a time and so for a guy to be at my beckon call and doing everything possible to please me is alien and therefore makes me uneasy. This is about as personal as I’ll get on my blog but recently I had a chance to be truly, truly happy with a most amazing guy who deserved someone so much better than me. I was spoilt. I wasn’t used to it. I was a fool but at the end of the day, what will be, will be. I’m used to not getting replies to my messages for hours and not being called pet names and although I complain – that’s how I like it. It keeps me interested. Sure, there’s a happy medium but not many guys know how to find that with me – they really do have their work cut out. But I’m sorry, for a guy to declare his love for me on facebook or post mushy crap on his blog, he’s either an absolute sap or he is trying to get rid of me, if the latter, just say so and spare me the shit.

It's yours.

‘Look at you. You’re young. And you’re scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go for a drive at midnight and forget that you have work the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now. Take risks. Tell secrets. This life is yours. When are you going to realise that you can do whatever you want?’
You know exactly what you do to me.
There's just something about you that lures me in. You're poison.

Friday, 17 December 2010

Story of my actual life.
Yes, in reality, I need to shed some pounds but no, I won't be miserable.
Diet's suck. Salad's suck.
Food is happiness.

Insane comfort.

Sitting here picking the remainder of my nail varnish off. It’s become a habit of mine. As soon as my nail chips a little, I get an urge to pick at the rest. I have a load of random habits. Close friends of mine will tell you about my weird obsession with the sound of hairdryers. Even when I’ve finished drying my hair I tend to leave it on just lying on the floor much to my dad’s disgrace when he receives the electricity bill. Truth is, I’m not entirely an odd bod. The sound of a hairdryer to me is a comfort. Ever since I was a baby, when my mum was drying her hair she’d obviously have me in the room with her to keep an eye on me and so the sound of a hair dryer makes me feel safe? Not sure safe is the word, maybe relaxed is more fitting. Ok… I am an entire odd bod.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

Such an incredible woman.

Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is.
You know work dominates your life when you’re more excited for a lay in than a night out. It starts Monday, finishes Friday morning. That excitement of counting down the days until I have the ultimate thought of satisfaction that the day to follow isn’t going to begin with a 6am start. As my desk becomes inundated with Christmas cards and the days become increasingly dismal outside the office window, I find myself craving my bed even more so than usual. I want to wake up from a deep sleep and have that feeling of never ending excitement I used to get when I was young because ‘Santa’ had been. My fondest memories of Christmas are those in my old house which is where I spent pretty much all my childhood. I remember 98% of the time being the first up on Christmas morning and running in to beg my mum and dad to get up so I could head downstairs. My mum and I were always the first to emerge closely followed by my brother. My dad, on the other hand, used to make his way down those curved stairs like an absolute slug. I remember getting increasingly frustrated waiting to see him walk into the lounge as I was becoming more and more teased by the presents around me. This is the first year I’ve gone all out and bought Christmas presents for all my family (mainly because I can afford to – work does have some positives.) and I think I’m more excited to see them open their presents than to open my own! I hate knowing that in no time at all Christmas will be over again for another year. I swear the build up is ten times better than Christmas day itself. It seems to be over in a flash every year. Best parts of Christmas day – presents, food and family. Give me that turkey. Nom.

Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Someone prepare my coffin.

Work christmas party tonight.
From a ridiculous amount of experience - broker's can drink.
Don't be surprised if I don't make it.

Monday, 13 December 2010

Because she looks fucking amazing.

Years flying by like the plane's in the sky.

I miss how excited I used to get seeing '1 message received' on my oldschool Nokia. Mainly because the only people I used to text when I had that phone were primary school crushes. Oh those were the days.
And no group of people, is as important as a single person. There's no them that's more important than a you.

And I thought I was chubs...

Come to the conclusion that my legs are too long for trains. Especially when a fat bitch resembling Miss Piggy gets on, sits in front of me and proceeds to dump 2 of her 3 bags (probably storing food) on the floor between her legs reducing my leg room significantly. I’m expecting cramp. I get cramp. Not a good start to the morning.

Friday, 10 December 2010

I wrote a post on the 29th November. It talked of being happy if I stopped caring. I didn’t want to believe it but I think that’s the only way for me to be happy. I care far too much about people and not letting them down and yet somehow, I always seem to get let down. People never seem to try for me. I never let people down unless it can’t be helped but when the boot is on the other foot; I never see them making any such effort. Maybe I get my hopes up too much? Maybe I need to tell myself that nothing will ever happen but then, how can I be happy like that? I just wish people would realise the effort I make for them and reciprocate. I give up.
One of the most magical movie's there ever was. I've lost count of how many times I've watched it but not once, out of all those viewings, have I not cried. Even the trailer prompted my eyes to well up a little.

'I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. '
Saw a girl in Liverpool Street train station this morning that looked fucking awesome. Her whole style was so unique. I wish I worked somewhere where I could wear whatever I wanted and have my hair all big and messy. Smart, work clothes don't make me happy.

Thursday, 9 December 2010

I wish I could put all my thoughts in a jar. I think too much that much is clear. Thinking too much causes me to over think and analyze things I don’t want to deal with. It gets too much for me to handle and I panic. I shut myself down and go to war with myself. I’m tired. I’m sick of being tired. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m sick of feeling sad. Sick of wanting things and people I can’t have. I want to be at peace with myself for once. To be happy and think about things that don’t send me over the edge.

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Not a camper but if I were going to camp, I'd want a tent like this...

Dear Santa, I can explain...

'Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet spaghetti?'

Being normal isn't one of my strengths.

Its makes me kinda happy inside to hear that people read my blog regularly. Although it’s far from the reason I started my blog in the first place. I evidently think a lot but I thoroughly enjoy writing. I never particularly enjoyed writing stories or essays but I enjoy writing about my thoughts and I guess, what’s ‘real’ to me. It’s strangely therapeutic. I’m sure there’s people that criticise my blog and see it as pointless – think what you like. I’m not writing for you, I’m writing for me. But if I contribute to curing people’s boredom, make them think or make them laugh, then that for me, is rather fulfilling. It makes me realise that what I’m doing here on this little page is not a pointless exercise. Sure, it’s full of loads of random ranting’s, photos, videos and quotes, but at some point they have all been a part of me. A part of the way I feel, whether you understand them or not.
It says on my blog that it’s some form of ‘diary’. Well, I guess it’s actually more of a scrapbook because quite obviously I’m not about to go into full blown explicit details of my life on a webpage. That sort of thing is reserved for my mind and my mind alone but I guess what I’m trying to say is, thankyou. Thankyou to whoever takes the time to read my blog because you’re saving me from realising I may be a little insane.

I'll say it again; I miss my naivety.

Time is precious. Waste it wisely.

A book lover never goes to bed alone.

If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me, though I don’t care in the end. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be real crazy. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Now this song is very close to my heart for a few reasons but the main one being that I used to dance with my mum to it around our old kitchen when I was little. It's one of her favourite ever songs and she's my favourite ever person. Now if my future husband is reading this (preferably Buble), this is our wedding song. You don't have a say in the matter - sorry.


Stroke me, beautiful.

Nigel Thornberry
What a hero.


Stop being such a god damn pussy, stop saying no and start saying yes. Swear when you want to. Kiss who ever and fuck those who hate you. Wear what you want, say what you want and say ‘fuck it’ when everything falls apart. Have sex, get kissed, get dirty, fuck the leader of the world, fuck your parents, fuck your teachers, fuck your siblings, fuck everyone. Because in no time you’ll be old and wrinkly, married with grand kids on the way, wishing you didn’t give a shit when you were younger.

So hold your head up high and say ‘I don’t care’, because what hurts other people the most is seeing you happy and not worrying about a thing.
I don't know what I want to do in life but I know what I want to try...
We cannot direct the winds, but we can adjust our sails.

Monday, 6 December 2010

I'm blind to you.

Makes me laugh how people are so surprised that I'm not a dumb, pop loving, pink wearing girl. Yes I find history and the like incredibly interesting.Yes I love dubstep, dnb and reggae. Yes I'd rather be in my military boots with big, messy hair in a muddy field at a festival than in a sparkly dress, high heels and my make-up all neat in a west end club.
'As long as it's illegal the more I enjoy the high, as long as it's illegal the more profit there is to be made, as long as it's illegal the more I enjoy knowing I'm doing something against the laws that our corrupt governments setup for us. Maybe even if we sell, buy, consume and or get arrested for it they are still in the winning position but even with their laws and rules, even if they take my stash away they cant take away my high.' - Collie Buddz

We stopped checking for monsters under our bed when we realised they're inside us.

Yet another Monday morning.

Not feeling particularly optimistic this week I have to say. I also seem to be having a huge mind block on pretty much everything. I’m even struggling to remember spelling which is NOT like me. The weekend’s lack of sleep has certainly taken its toll that’s for sure. On a slightly happier note, I put up the little Christmas tree in my bedroom yesterday; it looks adorable. I loved laying in bed just staring at the lights reminiscing on past Christmases. Mum cooked a truly yummy meal yesterday evening as always and I spent the duration of her cooking it dancing around the kitchen to Michael Buble in my cookie monster pj shorts, a big baggy jumper and my thick, heavy knit bed socks. It’s the little things in my life that mean the most to me.
I also watched a programme last night called ‘Big Trouble in Thailand’ or something and I have to say, as a girl who originally wanted to travel to Thailand and experience it’s ‘buzz’; I now definitely won’t be. Sure, the show probably portrayed some aspects of it to be worse than others but I really would not rather risk it. I realised this year that I’m not a fan of ‘roughing it’. I don’t mind getting all filthy during the day as long as I can have a hot shower/bath and a decent bed to sleep in at night. I’m used to nice things in life and I guess hygiene plays a big part, more so than others. (I don’t understand people who don’t wash their hair for over 2 days. I wash mine daily.)
The show told of the crime levels in Thailand and the penalties if caught for certain things and hell, I don’t want any involvement thankyou.

P.s bring on 5 o’clock Friday.

Sunday, 5 December 2010

"But when it comes to actually sleeping; that's something I prefer to do alone."

I've decided there's a whole lot of truth in that quote. If you're a friend of mine you will know that I take my sleep very seriously. I think I am yet to come across someone that I've shared a bed with that I can say didn't disrupt my sleep in the slightest. If it's not a lack of space, it's talking in their sleep or snoring.

First you have, the starfish.
The people that seem to spread out as much as they possibly can until you are left with the side edge of the bed as your sleeping space. Neither comfortable nor practical for sleeping.

Next, the deep breather/snorer/sigher/talks in their sleep kind, basically highly verbal.
Something which is almost impossible to deal with unless they give you a chance to get to sleep before they go nuts. Whilst sometimes funny it also verges a little on the side of creepy.

The OTT spooner.
A darling friend of mine is a true OTT spooner (you know who you are sweetheart ha). Now these cross the line of a spoon being comfortable and cosy and end up wrapping themselves around you entirely, legs 'n all until you feel as though you're in the grasp of a python. Sometimes accompanied by the heavy breathing on the back of your neck. Yeah, not nice.

And of course, the fidget.
How the hell am I supposed to get comfortable when you're throwing yourself about in every direction?

I really appreciate sleeping in my own bed, on my own.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

30th November 2010.
Hardest day of my life so far.